


attempt #1

by novoaa1



Series: the legends try sex education! [2]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: BAMF Sara Lance, F/F, Humor, Legends of Tomorrow Team are Family, Mick Rory x beer, Mormonism, NO ONE KNOWS, POV Zari Tomaz, Team Bonding, Team as Family, a knife is thrown, and... well, attempted sex ed, but really they are, charlie and zari 'aren't into eachother', idiots being idiots, its the first week of sex ed, john has a big mouth, like at all, like very much so, or at least, sex ed, the legends aren't religious, they traumatize a poor gynecologist, why is gary there?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 15:00:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18741409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novoaa1/pseuds/novoaa1
Summary: This is Sara's first attempt at sex education on the Waverider.John falls out of his chair, Gary might just pee his pants, and at one point, a knife is violently thrown clear across the room.She really should've planned this better.





	attempt #1

**Author's Note:**

> so i just wanna say, this fic kind of paints conflicting views of a more liberal perspective (the Legends) and a religious one (specifically Mormonism)... I definitely don't want to offend anyone here; that's completely not my intent--I was actually raised Mormon (definitely not anymore) and I've come to respect their practices on a ridiculously high level.. but at the same time, Mormons are kinda whack. 
> 
> So, here it is--drawn from my own personal experiences growing up as a Mormon kid, not 100% accurate in the portrayal of LDS beliefs because it's a humorous piece, and definitely not trying to offend anyone... keep that in mind :)

As it turned out, Sara really hadn’t been kidding when she’d announced the implementation of mandatory sex education on the Waverider—of course, their Captain was seldom the joking type, so maybe it was foolish to think otherwise, but a girl could dream. 

 

Because instead of playing video games with Charlie (whom she was definitely _not_ attracted to, thank you very much), or maybe trying to steal the latest chapter of Mick’s steamy typewriter romance novel (and she uses the term ‘romance novel’ very loosely here, because she isn’t quite sure who gets to draw the line that separates steamy romance from pornographic erotica, but she thinks that when you start to use phrases like 'throbbing member’ and ‘amble bosom’ on the regular, it’s really more than possible that you’ve crossed it), or honestly just doing literally _anything_ else, Zari was _here_. 

 

Here, sitting in a circle with all the Legends (including… Gary, for some reason??) in the Waverider's lab while the obnoxiously perky blonde-haired blue-eyed gynecologist Sara had forcibly “borrowed” (she vehemently refused to use the word ‘kidnapped’) from 2018 New York monologued on and on about the sanctity of marriage and the beauty of sex to fulfill “our sacred purpose" in the world as God’s children. 

 

Yeah, you heard her right: this woman was trying to preach to the Legends, of all people, about _abstinence_. 

 

As it turned out, this ‘Allison Forkner’ character that Sara had so abruptly hijacked from her humble offices in Rochester, New York was a devout evangelical Mormon—or no, sorry, the Forkner lady had said their church was trying to move _away_ from the label ‘Mormons,’ and instead requested that they call her a ‘Latter-Day Saint of the Church of Jesus Christ.’

 

Yeah, right. 

 

Sara, meanwhile, seemed to be a bit torn: looking as though she didn’t want to admit defeat quite yet (even in light of how poorly the session was going), especially since no one had been all that thrilled about involuntary sex education to begin with; after the first ten minutes or so, it became rather obvious that she was trying to stick it out for as long as she possibly could with the hope that the preternaturally happy blonde lady would eventually branch out and talk about something other than Jesus (i.e. condoms and consent)—then she could flash the woman with a prompt memory-wipe, have Gideon drop her back in Rochester, and call it a day. 

 

(Clearly, Sara hadn’t put even the slightest amount of research into finding a proper “teacher”; rather, it seemed she had just typed ‘gynecologist / OBGYN’ in the Google search bar and mapped a route to whoever looked even remotely interesting. 

 

Yeah, Zari thought—this lady was interesting, alright.) 

 

By all accounts, it seemed that Sara was hoping this Mormon do-gooder would actually delve into the finer details of safe and responsible sex once she’d finished her detailed and lengthy preface about the importance of saving such a “spiritual act" for marriage—anything for their Captain to prove that this whole endeavor wouldn’t turn out to be a “bloody waste” (Charlie’s words; not hers). 

 

She was quite wrong. 

 

It had all begun to go downhill when Sara had politely raised a hand to ask an almost impressively restrained version of _“Can we please get past the religious bullshit and talk about being responsible while recreationally exchanging bodily fluids with your partner or partners on the regular?”_ : “So, could you maybe talk to us about how best to be responsible during intercourse with our chosen partner?” 

 

Allison Forkner had beamed. “You mean, after being married and sealed in the Holy Temple before Our Father in Heaven?” 

 

Charlie snickered loudly at that and John scoffed beside her, though the two quieted down abruptly when Sara shot the both of them a biting glare. 

 

“Yes,” their Captain choked out, looking distinctly uncomfortable even as she forced a placid smile on her features. “That.” 

 

“Of course!” the woman exclaimed, clapping her hands together excitedly. “Well, I think the first step for all of this is just to keep your eternal goal in mind, because—"

 

“I’m sorry,” Zari found herself asking before she could swallow the words, a hand coming up to fidget with the V-shaped neckline of her teal-green tee. “'Eternal goal’?”

 

The Forkner lady just nodded, an almost condescending look on her sunny features, like Zari was an idiot for not knowing what the hell she was talking about. 

 

(Zari immediately regretted asking.)

 

“To return to our Heavenly Father, of course!”

 

_Wait, what?_ Zari’s eyebrows shot to her hairline as her gaze darted disbelievingly over to a vaguely perturbed Sara. “Is she for real?” 

 

Sara just blinked.

 

Mona, who was sitting besides Zari in an obnoxious long-sleeved turtleneck with multicolored horizontal stripes, leaned over and, in what Zari thought might have been an attempted whisper, loudly hissed, “I think she’s for real.” 

 

Mick just grunted, squinting suspiciously at the woman, who was conservatively dressed in a long grey skirt that reached mid-calf, and a long-sleeved burgundy turtle-neck sweater. “I don’t like you,” he grumbled eventually, then took a generous swig of his beer.

 

Allison Forkner just furrowed her brows in response, the pleasant smile beginning to fade from her cheeks, looking rather at a loss for words. “Um—"

 

“Anyways,” Sara interjected with a cough, shooting a horribly strained smile of reassurance at the Mormon lady, who was now shifting rather uncomfortably in her seat under the Legends’ unimpressed gaze. “I was just wondering specifically if you could talk about using protection, and that sort of thing.”

 

“Oh!” Allison brightened with a chuckle, as if Sara had just told an especially funny joke. “We don’t use protection.”

 

Sara’s brows rose rapidly and her fists clenched in her lap ( _She’s probably regretting the very strict 'no weapons’ policy she’d enacted for today_ , Zari thought amusedly) even as John sniggered loudly in his seat. “Excuse me?” 

 

Allison smiled understandingly at Sara’s outburst, suddenly looking almost _sorry_ for the blonde assassin as her brows stitched together in what Zari thought was meant to be a show of something resembling empathy. “Well, as daughters of Heavenly Father, our sacred duty—"

 

“Oh my God, this is incredible,” Charlie leaned subtly over to whisper in Zari’s ear, a shocked but undoubtedly entertained look in her wide brown eyes. 

 

( _God, she’s annoying_ , Zari thought as she was suddenly hit with the earthy and ridiculously intoxicating scent of Charlie’s subtle perfume. _And hot. Very hot_ )

 

“—to fulfill the highest sort of blessing we can achieve while on this Earth.” There, Allison Forkner paused dramatically, her expression positively bursting with apprehension, looking around with almost conspiratorial eyes at everyone in the circle as if she was about to reveal to them all the very secrets of the universe. “Motherhood!” she exclaimed after a brief moment, her features scrunching with entirely genuine (— _and terrifying_ , Zari mused—) excitement, blue-eyed gaze darting quickly from person to person to gauge their reactions.

 

Zari thinks the Forkner lady was probably hoping for everyone’s expression to reflect the purely obscene amount of joy in her own, but instead she was met with: a scowl from Mick (which actually probably had nothing to do with her statement of a ‘woman’s purpose,’ and everything to do with the fact that he likely hadn’t been listening to a word she’d said); a hopelessly blank look from an utterly lost Nate (the last time Zari could remember seeing his mouth and eyes so comically wide was the very memorable lyoga root incident from his attempted trip to the spirit world a couple months back); a hard stare from Sara, who was sitting almost preternaturally still and narrowing her bright blue eyes menacingly at the woman (probably vividly daydreaming all the potential ways in which she could violently murder Mrs. Forkner with her bare hands); a gaping and distinctly alarmed Gary (he honestly looked as if he might pee his pants, Zari observed, which was only slightly worrying considering she wasn’t sitting next to him—as far as she was concerned, it would be Ray and Mona’s problem if and when the poor sap lost control of his bladder); along with a similar and completely blown-away look from Mona (who looked like someone on a powerful and quite unearthly acid trip, Zari imagined as she fought the urge to snort).

 

Meanwhile, Charlie was squinting hard at the lady, head tilted as if not quite believing that the whole thing was real (and God, she looked incredible in those sinfully tight ripped black jeans and that low cut Nirvana top—seriously, was she trying to _kill_ Zari?); John had his dark brows furrowed and arms stubbornly crossed while he eyed the woman with clear disdain (looking rather like a petulant child), his lips moving almost imperceptibly as he muttered something under his breath (probably trying to cast a hex or something equally as poor-mannered that would definitely earn him a long lecture from a very unamused Sara); and Ray just looked plain uneasy, bless him, his large brown eyes growing wider by the second as he fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair (Zari made a mental note then to buy him that ridiculously tacky and pretentiously bedazzled ‘Feminist Icon’ T-shirt she’d seen on Forever 21’s online catalogue for his upcoming birthday). 

 

When met with the sudden silence blanketing the room along with everyone’s less-than-thrilled reactions, Allison Forkner frowned slightly. “Was it something I said?”

 

Sara was the first to recover, thankfully saving the rest of them from having to come up with some completely bullshitted excuse as to why they all suddenly looked like a bunch of lost toddlers looking for their Mommy, saying, “Um, nope, nope, I just, um,” their Captain paused there, obviously racking her brain for an excuse to end this session, like, _now_. “It’s just… past their bedtime, I think.”

 

Zari fought the urge to smack herself in the forehead, because _Really, Sara?_

 

Allison Forkner’s brows furrowed, her frown only deepening. “But they’re all… adults.”

 

Sara bit her lip, eyes squinted, clearly scrambling to find a vaguely reasonable reply. “Be that as it may,” she practically drawled (probably talking as slowly as she could to buy herself some time), clear panic in her sea-blue gaze, “it’s almost their bedtime,” she repeated, pointedly ignoring the _“What the fuck?”_ look pretty much everyone in the circle was sending her way. “So, is there anything else you’d like to tell the group about safe and healthy sex?”

 

“Um,” Allison looked momentarily lost, but recovered rather quickly, her bright blue eyes lighting up with excitement. “Sure! So I just want to emphasize again the importance of marriage—“

 

“Oh my God,” Charlie groaned into her hands, slumping even further down into her seat.

 

“—in the temple of Our Savior—“

 

“Oh my _God_ ,” Charlie repeated, the words muffled behind her hands.

 

“—as husband and wife before God—"

 

“Or as wife and wife,” Sara interjected.

 

John nodded. “Or husband and husband.”

 

The Forkner lady shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Um, actually, no,” she corrected with a nervous laugh. “Only a man and a woman can marry in the temple—”

 

“Oh, wonderful!” Charlie interrupted, throwing her hands defeatedly up in the air and turning her fiery gaze to a sour-faced Sara: “So she’s homophobic, too?”

 

Allison Forkner looked distraught, trying desperately to re-enter the discussion. “It’s not homophobia—"

 

“Isn’t it?” Gary asked, his features scrunched and his voice coming out at least an octave higher than normal.

 

“Well—"

 

“Just say you hate gay people,” Mick rumbled dismissively, still looking rather uninterested in the whole conversation.

 

The Mormon lady’s eyes widened like saucers. “I _really_ don’t—“

 

“So, to be clear, love,” John mused with a hint of a smirk on his stubble-ridden features, overactive hands fiddling with the silver Zippo lighter in his lap. “Anal sex is _not_ a part of Mormonism?”

 

Allison Forkner’s jaw dropped. 

 

“Constantine,” Sara hissed, a warning in her tone. “Shut it.” 

 

“Oh, like you weren’t eating out your lady lover at the Time Bureau just last n— _Shit!_ ”

 

John interrupted himself swiftly with a curse as a small throwing knife flew just inches shy of his left ear and hard into the glass behind him before dropping to the floor with a _clang!_ —the British man flinched violently out of his seat to unceremoniously land sprawled across the floor, an impressive string of expletives escaping him while he scrambled to pull himself up, blindly flipping Charlie the bird as her raucous laughter persisted in the background. 

 

“I thought you said no weapons!” Ray yelped, clear panic showing across his boyish features as John clumsily plopped himself back in his seat, the warlock fixing Sara with a petulant glare that she fastidiously ignored.

 

“And I didn’t want ‘anal sex’ to be a topic in our discussion today—I guess we’re both disappointed,” Sara quipped back, not missing a single beat. 

 

Ray just pursed his lips, looking almost uncannily similar to a disappointed father.

 

(Honestly, if he decided to grow back the ’stache, he probably could’ve pulled it off.

 

Instead he just looked like a disgruntled Cub Scout leader who was embarrassingly close to throwing a fit in the middle of the forest because his middle-school-aged morons weren’t “respecting Mother Nature.”)

 

“Um, Sara?” Gary interjected tentatively, pushing his thick black square-shaped glasses further up the bridge of his nose with a slightly trembling hand. 

 

Zari thought Sara was going to explode—instead, the Captain just heaved a defeated sigh. “What, Gary?”

 

Gary pointed a finger tentatively towards Allison Forkner, who was knocked out cold by the looks of it, draped messily in her chair, her body limp. 

 

“Oh, _shit_ ,” Zari cursed—everyone else was silent, staring with mouths almost comically agape. 

 

After a minute or two, Sara mumbled something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like _“Fucking Mormons,”_ though Zari really couldn’t be sure. Then she was pinching the bridge of her nose with a resounding groan, the crease in her forehead deepening by the second. 

 

“You’re all grounded,” she said quietly, though her tone was nothing short of _murderous_. “And we’re going to try this again next week.” She took a brief pause there, and, as if sensing the oncoming complaints from literally everyone in the room, quickly added: “No exceptions.”

 

Charlie let out a heavy sigh. “Brilliant.” 

 

☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡ ☡

**Author's Note:**

> would love any feedback!
> 
> thanks for reading:)
> 
> (my [tumblr](https://psyches.co.vu/))


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